BELLEVUE — When Father Gary Zender blessed Helen and Joe Hesketh on their wedding anniversary June 5, he reminded them that God stands with them in the good and bad times. He asked them to remain faithful in their love for one another.

And then, like at their wedding ceremony 69 years ago on the East Coast, they sealed it with a kiss.

Helen and Joe Hesketh pose with their pastor, Father Gary Zender, at St. Louise Church on June 5. Father Zender gave the couple a blessing on their 69th wedding anniversary. (Courtesy Father Gary Zender)

The Heskeths’ faith is intertwined in their marriage. They are known as the couple who hold hands. They attend daily Mass together. They go to Communion side by side. For a time, as ministers of the Word, they would do the readings together.

“We practice it together. We pray together,” Helen said. 

“Morning and night, mealtime,” Joe finishes. They often finish each other’s sentences.

“The Holy Spirit leads us wherever we go,” Helen said.

But it wasn’t always smooth sailing.

“We weren’t getting along that well at that time,” Helen said of the breaking point, eight children and 19 years into their marriage. “I was about ready to walk out of the house.”

“Helen asked me several times about going on this Marriage Encounter thing, but I said no,” Joe said. 

Helen’s persistence paid off, and they attended a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat in Seattle.

“They give you instructions to write a love letter,” Joe said of the retreat. “Tell your spouse what you like about them or don’t like about them. More importantly, find out how you feel about some of the stuff you’re talking about.”

There was a list of topics to choose from. Joe chose sex, figuring Helen would shy away from the topic. She didn’t. It started the dialogue.

“That was the turning point for me,” Joe said. “I was all gung ho to keep writing and do what they were suggesting. I realized I hadn’t been loving her like I should have.”

The letters, and their faith, saved their marriage.

They left the Marriage Encounter retreat with a 90-day challenge to keep writing letters; an estimated 17,855 days and 11 boxes later, they’re still going.

“Not to say we didn’t miss a day or two, here or there — nobody’s perfect,” Helen said.

The letters usually start with a salutation and a prayer, she said. There’s a bit about what’s going on in their lives or with the family, Joe said, then something special they noticed about each other and a question for reflection. Fridays always include hopes, dreams and expectations for the weekend.

“That keeps us out of a lot of trouble,” Helen chuckled. “It has us both going in the same direction.”

At 90 years old, they are slowing down a bit. As founding members of St. Louise’s pre-marriage prep, they’ve scaled back, partially due to age, but also because there are far fewer marriages in the church these days. In their seminars, they don’t teach about writing love letters — they leave that to Marriage Encounter. But they encourage participants to write notes and spend more time affirming one another, Joe said.

The couple’s love letters have gained them a bit of notoriety. They’ve been featured in local and national newspapers and magazines and on Oprah. Their personalized license plates for their car and motorhome read “ACOUPLE” and “CUPLE.”

Helen and Joe. Joe and Helen, as Father Zender teases, “strive of mutuality in their relationship, which is a lovely quality of their love for each other.”

“We are blessed,” Helen said.

“People keep asking us how we keep going,” Joe said. “God is not done with us yet.”

Helen recently wrote a book, “Born Unwanted,” offering life lessons in dealing with the verbal emotional abuse of a painful past and how to become stronger. Each “episode” includes reflection time and many are laced with her faith.

Even with all the letters over the years, Joe “learned a lot of stuff about me in there,” Helen said.

She dedicated the book “to my magnificent husband, Joe, who is my best friend, wonderful father of our eight children, has stuck with me all these years through the good and challenging times, is my listening ear, advisor and counselor, my rescuer when I get in over my head, and has been patient as I relived and wrote my life turmoils.”

“Without God we would not be here,” Helen said. “We wouldn’t have stayed together, I’m sure, without our faith.”

The Heskeths have some advice to the married.

“Don’t ever stop communicating,” Helen said. “Address your problems.”

And...

“Make your relationship first and foremost and keep God in it,” Joe said.

Learn about Marriage Encounter

Worldwide Marriage Encounter provides couples an opportunity to get away from daily life and examine their relationship. The next local Marriage Encounter retreats are:

  • Oct. 13-15, Archbishop Burnett Retreat Center, Federal Way
  • Nov. 3-5, Our Lady of Hope Parish, Everett

Retrouvaille helps marriages

Retrouvaille Seattle is a Christian, Catholic in origin, marriage program where couples of all faiths or no faith work to restore marriage and rebuild a loving relationship.

The next session is scheduled Sept. 29 to Oct. 1, with the location to be determined. Learn more about Retrouvaille.