Maybe it was the tension in my right shoulder that clued me in. Or that I never seem to finish the day’s tasks anymore. Or maybe it was the way I can’t seem to get a full breath of air when I breathe.
I’ve been spinning. Reacting. Getting caught up in things that are not important.
I’ve been spending my time and energy scrolling through my social media feed of people who really aren’t my friends, checking the news that I know is mostly lies, and spending time with people who only want to complain. I’ve let the literal signs that clutter my line of sight daily, regulating all my behaviors as I walk through the world, take up space in my brain until I obsess about them.
Recently, my family and I spent vacation in a place where the media and signs were not in English. I don’t know how to read anything but English. So, while on vacation, I could only see the beautiful things that were right in front of me. It was magical. My mind and heart were clear and clean. And that struggle I’ve been experiencing with my own thoughts for the last two years was gone.
When I returned from vacation, it all flooded back. That’s when I realized, I wasn’t looking at the true, the good and the beautiful anymore. I wasn’t looking at the things of God.
I was spending my time getting caught up in other people’s fights and feelings and frenzy. I was spending my energy on disembodied connections or negative people who wanted to replay the same tape over and over again — the tape on which I was working so hard to press stop.
In my favorite letter of St. Paul, to the people of Philippi, St. Paul says don’t spend time on things that make you anxious. Take all those worries, fears and anxieties to God in prayer. When we do this, “the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds.”
I know that when I take these anxieties to Jesus, he transforms my mind. I’m able to see clearly. I don’t believe the lies and get caught up in chaos. I recently told a friend all this. That I should probably spend more time in prayer instead of on the internet. “Probably?” She laughed, right in my face. “No, definitely.” She’s a good friend and she’s right.
St. Paul talks about being intentional, guarding our hearts and minds by dwelling on the good. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).
So instead of reacting, spinning, I am working on being intentional. On creating a beautiful life here, where I live, not just in an exotic location. I am watching what I spend my time, energy and thoughts on. I go through that list St. Paul gave me. When I walk through my day in prayer with Jesus, it is pretty easy to notice when I am spinning on something that is not of him. The Holy Spirit will give me a little nudge and it feels just like that old tension in my right shoulder, reminding me to take this anxiety right back to him.
Northwest Catholic — April/May 2022