My middle school sons will be confirmed this spring. Recently, I arrived early at their confirmation class and had the honor of listening as their two young adult leaders explained the seven sacraments.
When it came to the sacrament of marriage, it was clear that I was the only person in the room who was married. “Would you tell us about the sacrament of marriage, Mrs. Gonzalez?” they asked. I said something simple and mundane. Something about marriage in the Church being vastly different than a piece of paper from the court, but honestly, I dropped the ball.
How do you explain this great mystery in just a few minutes or words? Or try to convey to these teenagers why sex is for the confines of marriage when the rest of the world tells them otherwise?
I wanted to tell them marriage reflects Christ’s love for the Church, for each of us. We cannot imagine that kind of love, so God gave us marriage, a window into the divine plan.
My husband and I met on my first day of high school, over 33 years ago. I had a nose ring and wore some sort of hippie dress. He was wearing a leather jacket that our son used for his Halloween costume last year. My husband has now been in my life more years than I lived without him.
We will be married 20 years this year. If someone were to ask how we’ve managed to stay married, I’d repeat my husband’s words each time I ask him what I should do: “Do what you want.”
My husband knows that if I love him, like God calls us to love each other, every decision I make will be made in light of how it will affect us. Yes, there is freedom in the words Do what you want, but there is also trust. My husband knows that because I love him, I will make the best decision for both of us. And I know this is true of my husband too.
It is the same with God and sin. If we love God with all our heart, if we are connected to him each moment, we will not want to do anything that grieves him. Do what you want. God gives us this free will.
It is this overflowing of God’s love and commitment to us that each husband and wife should strive to reflect in a marriage. In his letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul writes that we should be “imitators” of God in our marriage. “Be subordinate to one another,” he writes.
St. Paul doesn’t just say for wives to be subordinate, as many seem to focus on, he says this to both husbands and wives. Just as we should be subordinate or submit to God for everything, marriage reflects this dependency. Marriage should reflect our intimacy with Christ. In both, we abandon our selfish desires for the love of the other.
Marriage isn’t just about taxes or a mortgage or sex or having a family together but about guiding each other on the lifelong journey of sanctification, becoming holy. It is a sacrament that requires a transcendent measure of surrender both to each other and to our God.